The Sexually Confident Woman

Amongst other things, I’m a Sexual Energy Therapist, a Sacred Sexuality Teacher and an Intimacy Coach.

I’d like to begin with the disclaimer, the small print that usually hides at the end. I want to bring it in right up front.

Firstly I read a lot, I have an impressive collection of books, I’ve had many teachers (some formal, some informal) and I’ve attended many courses and workshops, locally and internationally, on my favourite subjects … and even though I find it rather frustrating, I acknowledge that everything is merely someone’s opinion and not the gospel, one-size-fits-truth’.

Secondly, what I share with you today comes from my experience, my reading and my research. It is my opinion. Some of it may cause a reaction in you. Good. It could resonate with you positively or rub you up the wrong way. Either way, the stronger the reaction, the more I encourage you to take note of the trigger so that you can later look for the source.

Sexually Confident WomanWhen I was playing around with what I wanted to share today, my husband said: “This should be easy for you, you’re the most sexually confident woman I know.” Well, this is possibly true because according to his Face Book profile he only has 200 friends, but it is more likely true because this is how I feel inside.

It hasn’t always been like this, it didn’t just happen naturally, I had to work at it and I’ve had an incredible adventure getting to this point and hope for many more adventures ahead.

Looking back, I guess my mother assumed that my sister, being a whole 3 years older than me would pass down her wisdom on periods, men, sex etc. I was 12, she was 15. I’m not sure how that was a good plan. All I know is that my friends started their periods before I did and my sister gave me a little booklet when the time came. Luckily for curious me, I also knew where my mom hid her 1974 editions of “A Happier Sex Life, the way to married love” and “Everywoman, a gynaecological guide for life”. The rest I had to figure out for myself. No talk on the naturalness and beauty of self-pleasuring, no talk on sensuality, no talk on the miracle and magic of the energy of sexuality, the power of it all. Fortunately I’ve found many lessons along the way of discovery. Some experiences good, some not so good, but I learnt from them all.

So I invite you to think back about your initial ‘education’. How did you learn? What did you learn? What stuck? How has that affected you? Are there patterns that you carry along with you and do they still serve you? If you have daughters, what will you teach them about being sexually confident women?

As a child, my friends and I would sing a song: “I love myself I think I’m grand, I go to the movies and I hold my hand!” We were actually onto something there. Let’s talk about self-love, self-pleasuring, masturbation … yes, I’m going there. In my line of work asking this question is relevant: “Do you self-pleasure?” The ‘deer-in-the-spotlight is a common reaction. I’m not going to ask you by a show of hands, but think about what I’m saying now… Do you take time out to consciously pleasure yourself? When you do, are you completely present and aware? Do you involve your whole body? Your whole be-ing? You have to be a great lover to yourself in order to be a great lover to another. If you don’t know how you like to be touched, you can’t expect someone who’s known you a whole lot less to know. When you self-pleasure, the wiring in your brain reconnects to the pleasure centres. Happy pathways and patterns are created.

Whilst on the topic of masturbation, is this something you openly discuss with your partner? If it’s a hush-hush taboo, where does that come from? Guilt, shame, fear of ridicule? For those women whose men are a bit quick out of the starting blocks, do you encourage your man to practice on his own? He is never going to run a marathon if all he ever aims for is a sprint. Do you encourage him to engage and enjoy his whole be-ing while flying solo?

I enjoy being an adult. It means that I can pretty much do whatever I want to do. I can store my shoes in the oven. I can if I want, but then Sunday roasts would be a distant memory. I can house my cats and dogs in my car, but then travelling to the shops would be a mission. I could keep all of my clothes in my fridge, but then my food would be left out to rot. You see, it’s only when we use things according to what they were meant for, that we can get the maximum benefit from them.

Our sexuality is the same. There are many ways in which we can use it:

We can manipulate and control our partners, rewarding for good behaviour and withholding for what we deem as bad behaviour. It’s a “power” thing.

We are able to appease our partners by giving in to that quickie just to get them off our backs for a while.

We can frustrate our partners by creating expectations that they will never be able to live up to, setting them up for failure.

We can try make someone love us or stay with us.

We can, if we want to, but none of these fulfil the purpose of sexual intimacy. If anything they hinder us from becoming the sexually confident women we should be.

So then what is the true purpose of sex?

Procreation? Yes.
Pair-bonding? Absolutely. Good old bonding oxytocin.
Positive Energy Cultivation and Exchange? Definitely. Purposefully circulating sexual energy between your partner and yourself through the microcosmic orbit meditation.

Pleasure? Spot-on. We have an incredible capacity for pleasure. We need to be fully aware and present to tap into it.

What is a sexually confident woman? What is the key to being sexually confident?

On the face of it it seems to be the very young lady on the cover of the magazine. Is it the perfect body, the beautiful face? I’ve found that the most attractive people are those who can appreciate and celebrate the capacity to which they can experience pleasure, those who can completely surrender to the experience, to the moment. Embrace what you have and if you really don’t feel comfortable with what you have then slowly and gently change to habits that will bring you closer to what you envision but don’t become obsessed, obsessing won’t make you happy. Sexiness comes from the inside out, not the other way around.

Whether it’s sipping on a cup of sweet tea or shattering the midnight silence with an earth-shakingly delicious orgasm, no matter what you are doing, surrender to the moment, completely embrace it, own it. It’s not about what you look like, it’s about how much you give yourself permission to enjoy what you are doing.

Use sex to feel better, healthier, happier. Being physically active can be a natural libido boost. Men and women who exercise regularly have increased levels of sexual desire, confidence, and greater sexual satisfaction. Sexercise boosts the happy hormones and thereby reduces stress and anxiety and increases positive states of mind instead. It even boosts your immune system.

When you don’t feel up to it, it’s a bit of a catch 22 because you are avoiding that which will make you feel up to it. In times like this, look deeper. Listen to your sexual selves. Our sexual feelings provide us with important information about the nature and quality of our life and our relationships.  We need to listen to and learn from these feelings, not ignore or deny them. When sexual desire wanes, we have to attend to the message in this change. Is there a physical problem, or more likely, is there something else in our life or relationship that is not working? Is it simply a matter of out of sight, out of mind? The less we use it, the more inclined we are to lose it. If this is the case, then fake it until you make it.

My dear grandfather, who is 90 years old, loves to tell stories. One of my favourites is about a man who was asked to talk at a gathering on the subject of Sex. When the time came, he stood up and said: “Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.” And with that, he sat down.

It would be wonderful if each and every one of us could say that… “It gives me great pleasure!”

Let’s talk technique. Most women are sex competent. We know the round peg goes in the round hole. Experiment, push a few boundaries, read, watch, talk, go on a course… learn the stuff they didn’t teach you at school and see how it sits with you. The more you trust your partner, the more you will be willing to let go and enjoy. Play! Good, healthy sex is adult play.

Also know that it’s not enough to just say: “I want a sexually satisfying relationship”. Claim it and own it. Know what you like and dislike, feel safe to express it. The better you know your body the easier it is to show another. Knowing what you want and what makes you feel good brings more confidence and with more confidence you’ll find more fun and with more fun you’ll feel more confident and so it goes…

As a sexually confident woman, you have learned to love your body and feel beautiful in your own skin. Your internal dialogue builds you up… “I am happy, I am loved, I’m fabulous!” Check your self-perception. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can look into your own eyes in the mirror and feel love. You are content with being the best you that you can be and you don’t feel the need to compare yourself or your partner to anyone else.  You believe wholeheartedly that your lover finds you incredibly desirable.  You openly communicate what you find pleasurable, as well as what is beyond your personal boundaries.  You feel great about what you have to offer your partner, and are able to relax and freely enjoy all that he or she has to offer you.

To sum up: What is sexual confidence? It’s about becoming who you really are, and humans are naturally sexual beings. It is not all about sex. It is very much about power, the power that comes from liking, loving and accepting yourself. Acknowledge the power that you have as a woman and give yourself permission to be sexual and enjoy it!

I’d like to close with a saying that resonates with me from a phenomenally wise woman, Maya Angelou:

“People will forget what you did, people will forget what you said, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

So start with you, how do you make yourself feel?

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